I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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