well I can't set my house on fire every night
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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