no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
