Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Still dying that you shit outside
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize