I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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