i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
