Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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