My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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