my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
