I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
