please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
