I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
