Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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