I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
