I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
