I accidentally had phone sex last night
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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