Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
