So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
