home. puking in laundry basket.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
