I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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