my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
