Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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