just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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