I wish my penis had an off switch
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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