Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
