her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
