i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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