I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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