So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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