After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
