just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
