Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
