the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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