my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
