I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
