it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
