I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
