My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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