Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
