I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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