Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Everclear isn't food dammit
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