i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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