i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
