I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
