The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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