ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
