I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
