This house was built for laser tag.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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