i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
