Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize