They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
