gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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