no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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