Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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