all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
