I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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