I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
